Ruby

Preface:

“There’s that weird girl, the one that everyone notices for all of the wrong reasons. She is the girl who is perpetually quite and always says the wrong thing when speaking. She is the girl with the cold gray eyes that can look into you soul and makes you uneasy instantly. She will hold her gaze. She is the girl that would be invisible to the world if there wasn’t just that something that pulls you to her.”

At least this was my perception of what people thought of me. Just know me as Ruby. My tale is not one of adventure, or passion but one of a mind obsessed with what if scenarios. The reason that girl is so quite she is always thinking. Wondering if this was different, if I could just say this is I was a different person this would be easier.

I am sure that I am in fact two people in one body. The one that you see the quiet, unsure, almost shy, and the one inside that screams to be let out. It is the one inside that is actually in control of my life. It is the one I am most afraid of letting out. She is the one that will say whatever it is she thinks, feels and would never edit a single sentence. There are only two individuals in the planet that get close to releasing the Jekyll inside. The love of my life Shane and my cousin Amie, my cousin actually gets me closest to the point of release. She let hers out when we were about 12.

We often believe we our Sipes clan has a curse over our family. And when I say we I refer to what an Aunt and Uncle called the black cloud. My cousin and I allow this theory to hold true. I wouldn’t call it bad luck necessarily but many of us have talents that go unapplied. My father was truly a great songwriter but his lack of we will call it motivation keeps him from going any further than working on bars and coffee shops. Amie’s father was a very funny cartoonist, but when rejected he left it all behind him. I shouldn’t judge I fail in all of the same places. No motivation and I deal poorly with rejection.

So having that said I thought I would introduce you to my world of my strange little mind. I guess you can look at this as an autobiography because there is some truth to everything if you dig deep enough.

The First Day of My Adult Life

Like the title most people view their age as the determination of adulthood I choose my mind. I escaped the torture of four years of high school but traded it in for the end of my childhood. Not that with the parents I had there was much there. I wasn’t abused, I knew I was loved but I always felt like I was kind of invisible. My parents loved me but loved their drugs a little bit better. So I spent a lot of my free time with my Grandma and my Aunt Cheri. They actually had provided me with my first few jobs. I had been helping my Grandma clean her salon since I was 10. My Aunt paid me to clean her house since I was 11. Currently I help answer phones at my Grandma’s shop. It doesn’t really pay but it gets me to the big city, Fresno. If you know where and what Fresno is that will be funny to you. I live in a small mountain town called Coarsegold, a beautiful place to retire to horrible to grow up in.

***

I hang my feet over the ledge of the second story of the art building at Fresno City College. I can smell the eucalyptus trees that grow in front of the old part old the college. My heart beats rapidly; I wonder if they will notice am I smart enough for this, am I missing something? Will I one day wished I had figured out how to stay in High School? After all it was supposed to be my formative years. No I am sure this is the right thing to do. I can’t believe I got this idea from my ex’s, ex. We separated only a couple of weeks ago and it still hurts, sort of. I wasn’t alone, my newly acquired best friend use to be his best friend. I am sure it is because he views me as a challenge.

My friend Nate is a womanizing, 5 foot 8, Canadian with a British accent. That accent is what draws the girl his way. He drives and old station wagon and very often wears what I call his old lady bonnet. Some strange doilies hat he found at the good will. He is sweet to me. He promotes local bands and I get to help him with his shows. Taking photographs and keeping him company at or friendly Kinko’s, while he makes posters. I have shown him how to silkscreen. It is always entertaining to hang out with him.

Yes, this is how my brain works. I can’t think through one coherent thought. But let’s clear my mind. I am 15 years old and this is my first day of college. It is the usual August Fresno heat hovering around 80 degrees at 9 in the morning. It is the kind of heat that takes your breath away when exit a building. For me the best is stepping into a car that has been sitting in the heat for hours. If there could be pleasure and pain together that is what this would be for me. I like the way the heat seems to suck the breath from me. Like at that very moment there would be my final peace.

As I sit hear waiting for my class to start, sun beating upon my pale face I hear footsteps in the distance. They are coming closer. A petite woman with features that remind me of a bird walks in hallway behind me. This graceful little woman seems plain enough dressed all in black, in the middle of summer. Every article of clothing has something special about them. Her paper thin sweater wraps her small frame she is wearing a black tank top underneath to uphold her modesty. Her skinny jeans even have delicate embellishments on the pockets as well as some zippers on the ankles. And what I will come to know as her signature accessory to be. She always wears two different earrings one is a stud and one dangles. She disappears into the classroom I know to be mine.

Do I fallow? There is still 20 minutes to the start of class. This is the point that I wonder why I panic. Just walk in sit down and wait. I could see the classroom and possibly speak to that delicate bird woman, or maybe not. Grabbing my bag, I shut my eyes one more time to breathe in the heat, and then slid off of the perch I rested upon.

The classroom was everything I imagined it would be. The center of the room had a stage, presumably for the models. There was a wall of windows that provided most of the rooms light. Strange props scattered along the back wall. A strange scent lingered strong but not entirely unpleasant. I crinkled my nose.

“It is probably the turpentine that is used in the painting room next door.” The smiling bird lady said to me. She had a warm way about her. Her smile just force one from me in return.

“Oh” Barely audible, most people had difficulties hearing me. I know it is really me incredible shyness that keeps me quiet. My ex use to tell me It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt. I guess I never thought much of myself.

“Can you help me set up the space?” I smiled and started to mimic her moving the drawing horses in a circle around the stage. I am sure she thinks I am an idiot wondering why I have no social skills. I should be able to start a conversation or at least take part.

I found my place nearest the exit as I have always done in my educational career so far. I take comfort in knowing my options. I could hear feet dragging in. People around me were setting their work spaces up. Some had everything to start drawing and others like me came with a notebook and a single pencil.

We were handed a syllabus and supply list and made our introductions. My least favorite part was standing up to introduce myself and express my goals. My goals are ever changing and I really like to keep them to myself. I like to share only current information. Really I hate to share information.

“My name is Ruby… and… I guess I love to draw that is why I am taking this class.” Did anyone notice I struggled answering the most basic question?

We all took turns and were given assignment to complete for the next class and we were released early. I still had two hours till the next class I took my book found a quiet place under the eucalyptus tree and read, or at least I tried to. Do people know I am just a kid? How will all this work out?

Look at that couple, they seem so happy. They gazed into each others faces and giggled, completely in love. This only strengthens the pain in my current broken heart. I haven’t had a full meal a day since he left. It seems ridiculous to care. I know I should be happy he left before he cheated but I know he left because of me. So quite, so young, never really contributing, he was five years my senior. In the grand scheme of things is not a huge age difference but he had a life he wanted that I would not be able to share for a few years. I would never be the replacement to his true love. He had ruined what he believed to be the perfect relationship. He made the mistake and cheated. She left and refused to ever speak to him, he was devastated. I guess you could call me his rebound. I was similar to her in size and some features and sometimes when my mouth took over he said I reminded him of her. I know this should have clued me in but he was the first guy to pay any attention to me. I was sure that I was the most hideous and undesirable person alive. Since he left that seemed truer and truer.

There are things I can thank him for. He has shaped my attitude about drugs. I know without his influence I would have joined my cousin in the land of experimentation. When you grow up in the mountains with nothing to do sex and drugs, are an option. He also gave me the idea to test out of high school, compliments of his ex. She was better at making her goals happen. Will I ever see a goal to fruition?

Great now they are kissing. It isn’t even like I want him back my heart was broken but it was only a dull ache. I want to be in love. I want some one to look at me the way the slobbering (bad kissing) one looks at her. That is way too graphic. Grabbing my bag I decided to see how the library is in the college.

Well it is large compared to the one room library at my tiny mountain High school. Making my way through the aisles I found myself standing in front of an antiquated piece of equipment. A student sitting in front of the machinery about the size of my Mother's 69' Beetle was rolling the dial and viewing newspapers... fascinating. The movement in the Library seem to be a dance everyone standing up grabbing their things, it made me feel I had missed some sort of fire alarm, could I have been so distracted? No it time for class.

Great more class and more embarrassment, I did see a couple of people from my earlier class though I am great with faces I am horrible with names. Again with another assignment due in a couple of days, well college will keep me busy. The instructor is a funny lady in her forties with crazy hair and flowing layers of clothes. And I couldn't imagine why when the temperature has passed 100 degrees she would need a scarf no matter how light the fabric is. She has a well aged smokers smile, yellowing teeth and puckering wrinkles to match her scratchy voice. A hint of Janis Joplin I suppose. After we made our introductions we were excused for the day.

I went to the street and waited for Nate to pick me up. From a distance he looks like he should be my Grandma picking me up in her station wagon wearing her little bonnet... great.